By Kay Quinn, Special to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, October 8, 2007

Finding the right words, or the right actions, to support someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer can be difficult. Thom Zoog, 42, of St. Louis, would like to offer some advice. He''s supported his mother, sister, mother-in-law, and now his wife, through their experiences with breast cancer.

"It doesn''t change who someone is," said Zoog, who owns and operates Portabella restaurant in Clayton with his wife, Angela Del Pietro Zoog. "Through any sickness, if we keep a positive attitude hopefully it makes it a lot easier to deal with."

The power of positive thinking and positive actions in the face of disease is something Zoog has learned throughout his life. His mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1976. She died in 1996.

"She passed away, then my sister had a lot of tumors removed from her, and biopsies," Zoog said. "Then she had a preventative double mastectomy."

Zoog''s mother-in-law underwent a lumpectomy and radiation after her breast cancer diagnosis.

But the disease took on new, and even deeper significance, when Angela was diagnosed in May at age 41.

"I was really amazingly proud of my wife at the surgeon''s office when (the surgeon) suggested it might need to be a double mastectomy. (Angela) said go ahead and take them both if there''s concern."

Angela had a double mastectomy and is now undergoing chemotherapy.

Zoog has not only taken on more responsibility at the restaurant as his wife gets her treatments, but he''s also found special ways to show his support.

"Silly things from lemon drop candies to different kinds of teas, you know, ginger gum. ginger beer," Zoog said. "Some she liked, some she didn''t."

But the gestures that can''t be bought with money have meant the most to Angela.

"Just as simple as holding my hand through chemo or telling me I still am beautiful," are the gestures that have meant the most, said Angela with tears in her eyes.

Teresa Deshields, director of psychology services at Siteman Cancer Center, said, "Everybody going through this experience is having their own experience." That goes for not only for the person with cancer, but for everyone who loves and cares about them.

Deshields suggests asking the person diagnosed with breast cancer how you can help. She urges those undergoing treatment to take advantage of offers of assistance.

"Let people do what they''re best at, kind of utilize people''s strengths," Deshields said. "Let them do the things they''re most comfortable with."

So, if you''re a good cook, offer to make dinners for someone having chemotherapy. Offering to take care of a friend or loved one''s children for a few hours can be a huge help. So can something as simple as planting flowers.

"Two of our girlfriends actually planted pink flowers for us," Angela said. "They didn''t know what to do, and Thom said how about planting some pink flowers in front of our house. Every time I see those flowers, I think wow, someone actually spent time to get on their hands and knees and do this."

The Zoogs say showing support could also mean making a donation to further breast cancer research. They''re hosting a wine-tasting fundraiser to benefit cancer research on Tuesday at Portabella. The event is called "Women and Wine at Portabella." Tickets are $125, with proceeds going to the Siteman Cancer Center. Call 314-286-2241 for more information.

Zoog admitted supporting the women in his life with breast cancer has, at times, been challenging. But he said he stays positive, and knows Angela''s long-term prognosis is excellent.

"The surgeon had mentioned to us, (Angela''s) 40 years old, and there''s no reason that you wouldn''t live out your natural life until you''re 85," Zoog said.